Here's a collection of Peter's writing samples. Hilarious, depressing, and short, they give you a glimpse into a nonfictional life of petards hoisted, and fictional worlds we're all lucky we don't live in.
Doughboy
- Fourth grade: I first realize I can be funny.
- Jiggling my gut.
- If I sit and slouch, there’s more to grab.
- This year I write 114 book reports.
- Set the new Mrs. Weiss’ classroom record.
- When people poke me in the gut, I pretend to be the Pillsbury Doughboy.
- “Whoo-hoo!” I say.
- I pretend a lot.
- That mascot’s an inaccurate depiction of American soldiers in World War I.
- His hat’s not bullet-proof.
- Or mustard gas-proof.
- I suppose it’s flamethrower-proof.
- Does Pillsbury make mustard?
- Seventh grade: I stop depending on physical humor.
- Try out for track.
- Coaches suggest & field.
- Public speaking class is the humor catalyst.
- But I wrote about that elsewhere.
- Suffice it to say I’m really funny.
- (for seventh grade)
- Not sure how many book reports I write this year.
- Sophomore year: I run cross-country for a couple weeks.
- Return of physical humor.
- Result:
- Shin splints and stress fractures.
- Common in heavy runners.
- I attend the end-of-season banquet.
- There’s a slideshow.
- Runners running.
- Many runners.
- I stand holding a can of soda.
- Only picture they have.
I Am the Lonely Hearts Club Band
Dear John Lennon,
I am he / as you are he / as you are me / and we are all together.
That’s the Commutative Property of Mathematics, John.
If A=B and B=C, then C=A.
Therefore:
John is Paul / as I am Paul / as I am John / and we are John Paul Peter.
The Commutative Property of I Am the Walrus reveals fallacies in even the most deeply-held beliefs of Beatles mythology. Consider this, John: if we substitute Paul for Yoko, we find that Yoko didn’t break up the Beatles—Yoko was the Beatles.
And Wings!
And charged $250 for tickets to her most recent tour!
Imagine that.
Furthermore, it explains your response to whether or not Ringo was the best drummer in the world: “Ringo isn’t even the best drummer in the Beatles!”
Given the Commutative Property of the Beatles, Ringo was not only the best drummer in the world—he was the best drummer in the Beatles!
He was also the worst drummer of all time.
And he wrote all of the Beatles’ best songs!
Including “Yellow Submarine.”
I’m a drummer too, John. What do you say to that?
The Commutative Property of I Am the Beatles also explains the “Paul is dead” rumor: I was murdered outside of my apartment building in 1980, six years before my mother gave birth to Paul McCartney.
The Associative Property of the Beatles—a related theorem colloquially known as “I Want to Hold Your Hand”—proves that I am much cooler than I really am.
Area of a Triangle = 1/2bh
Melissa is really cute.
Consider a line segment with points P and M.
P o----------------o M
I invite her to my brother’s wedding as my guest. She clears her schedule to attend. After the ceremony, we sit in her car behind the church.
She’s got great legs.
Brown eyes, brown curls.
I’m not even a leg guy.
Proportions.
Carlos is in the backseat.
50 mph is the same as 80 kph—of course, because every kilometer is 5/8 of a mile.
Later, Carlos tells me that only I would realize that while in the car with an incredibly cute dancer.
I tell Carlos he was in the backseat.
75 is 120
I drink through dinner. After dinner. There’s this other room that nobody else is in and I keep thinking about it because I’m drinking.
I drink to dance. I drink to this empty area.
100 is 160
Carlos and I go outside, sitting and sipping on the steps.
“Dude… she’s already dating John.”
o J
|
o M
“I don’t know what else to tell you, man.”
The points of a triangle define its shape. They never exist within the triangle itself.
o J
| h=height
P o----------------o M
b=base
One half.
Tonight, I’m the best man. My brother’s best man.
125 is 200 when you’re not comparing the same things.
